Washington's Best Burgers...

There are times of the day when sitting in a lounge is ill advised - between the hours of 3 a.m. and 6 p.m., for starters.  I also don't recommend any of the major Christian holidays - Christmas Day, Easter Sunday or Mother's Day (I know, it's a Hallmark holiday but your Christian mother thinks Jesus invented it).

During those non-peak lounge hours, you have to eat.  I occasionally enjoy a burger and the burger boom is on.  So here is my guide to the best burgers in Washington, listed in order of their rating, according to my 100 point proprietary scale using multi-regression analytics and my iPad:

#1:  The Burger at the Quill Bar at the Jefferson Hotel:  The perfect burger in the perfect setting.  The meat is excellent and always cooked to the requested temperature.  The cheeses are outstanding and real.  The presentation is perfect, including the house-made ketchup.  Fries, which are in my opinion part of the burger experience, not a side order, are superb.  This burger does get bonus points for being at the Jefferson - which has perfect scores for service and ambiance.

#2:  Morton's Prime Burger at Morton's:  I really don't like Morton's but my props to the second place, silver-medal winning burger there.  The reason I don't like Morton's is that I think the chain struggles to maintain its freshness as a steakhouse.  That aside, the burger is, as you would expect, great beef.  They do get the temperature correct at order and variety of toppings is very good.  Once I asked for crab on top and they didn't blink - after charging me $15 extra.  There was a point deduction for the fries and the atmosphere is designed for something other then a burger.

#3:  Black's Burger at Black's Bar and Grill:  Okay, I throw one out to Bethesda now with the Burger at Black's Bar.  Typically a lunch call, the burger also makes its appearance on the happy hour menu and it is excellent.  They don't always get the temperature correct - play it safe and order medium and you will likely get medium-well - but the beef is good and the presentation is great.  The staff gets extra points in the bar area.  The fries are also good, but sometimes inconsistent in firmness.  I don't like over done fries and sometimes these come out too crunchy or worse, cold.

#4:  The Prime Rib Burger:  Never mind the middle-aged prostitutes at the bar - at least that is what I think they are - the burger here is very good.  The beef is prime and the temperature is correct, always.  The fries are nothing special - I see the same ones at any sports bar.  As far as the atmosphere, think 1980's and the original movie Wall Street.  Also, be prepared to sit among some the aged power brokers of Washington - no fresh talent here to look at.

#5:  The Burger Joint (BGR):  The only quick service - hardly quick service - place on the list.  My props to the creativity of this "joint" for making the list while getting a zero on ambiance.  The food here is outstanding and that alone gives it high scores.  The beef is good and the temperature is hit and miss, but these people make more then burgers.  They have a burger, The Greek, that was featured on Bobby Flay's Throwdown and it won.  Also, the sweet potato fries are the best fries on the list.  I don't want to mention it, but I must, the Lobster Roll is also worth having - even if it is over priced.

There you have it!  Enjoy your heart attack.  

What to do on a rainy day...before the lounging hours...

A lounge lizard gets his cues from the finest minds of imagination. Those velvet jackets, snake skin shoes, blue suede bucks and Dunhill lighter made their appearance in the cult classic movies. I even tried putting a Scarface hot tub in my living room once - that truly is a movie prop, I learned.


So on this day I revisit the best movies of my favorite brother directors: the Coens, Joel and Ethan. So here is my rainy day list of my favorite Coen movies and a note on my take away life lessons:

1) The Big Lebowski: It's influence on me: I no longer take baths for fear that someone will throw a ferrite in the tub with me. Honestly, I did try to make a White Russian with non-dairy creamer once - ill-advised. Terry cloth bathrobes are great blowing attire. Lastly, a rug can tie the simplest of rooms together.

2) Raising Arizona: It's influence: "Make sure you got your dip tet;"  "You want to find an outlaw, hire an outlaw. You want to find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop;"  Lastly, white shoes are really cool, but use a shoe horn to save the heel. 

3)  Fargo:  It's influence:  Wood chippers; Buicks; Arby's can be sexy: "Ah, hon, ya got Arby's all over me;" and lastly, You betcha, hon!

D.C.'s Perfect Shave...At the Barber and at Home...

You know a man with my beautiful face enjoys the feel of a good shave.  There is something decadent when you can comfortably lay back in a chair and a pair of skilled hands takes the time to shave your face to a perfect buttery smooth.  If you haven't had a shave from a barber, book one now.


Up until a few years ago the only place in Washington to get a great shave was when you could find a call girl with "shaving" listed on the al a carte menu.  I am a germaphobe so I didn't get one until after The Grooming Lounge came on the scene - located on L between Connecticut and 18th Streets.


During what I refer to as the Revival of Shaving in the last decade, many at-home products improved and became available.  The Grooming Lounge sells a pretty decent private label brand of shaving products, although I wouldn't call them value products - they are pricey for the size and quality of the product.

I am now calling it for the best at-home products for shaving and the best shave in Washington.  The Art of Shaving makes both the best product for home use and gives the best shave in Washington.  Granted, the barber shave is a luxury, but one worth having before that special date, interview or as a divorce celebration...yes, Uncle Tony is single, sort of.


When you go to the Art of Shaving, there are two locations - Union Station and Washington Square - opt for the Royal Shave.  It runs about $70 with a tip.  For the seventy frog skins you get a pre-treatment, oil massage, brush cream, straight razor and a little post shave pampering.  It is an awesome 30 minutes and you feel like you do when you look out over a freshly mowed law, minus the stinky shirt and grass stained sneakers (or velvet slippers in my case).

For home use, get the Art of Shaving set, containing pre-shave oil, cream and brush.  There are better after shave balms on the market so skip those sold at The Art of Shaving.  I prefer an after shave balm called "The Cool Fix" by Anthony for post shaving.  The Cool Fix is available online or at Sephora.  A comment on the cream:  the cream is meant for a brush, if you don't like using a brush, and frankly I don't, buy the travel cream because it is creamed for no brush. If you get the can of cream without the brush, just add a dab of water to the cream when you dip it out and lather it in your hands.


As far as razors, I would advise you on a razor only after we are married...seriously razors are too personal a decision for advice.  Double blades are always easier on your skin, but some faces really need a straight razor while others are better with a single blade or a once-a-day disposable.

How to Judge a Girl by Her Wine...

My affinity for alcohol probably didn't follow the path of most social drinkers, I have never ordered a rail drink, drank straight from any bottle (except a beer bottle) and I have never drank anything from a box, plastic bottle, red plastic cup or a Gatorade bottle filled with vodka.  I took up drinking for the social lubrication while always trying to stay on the high road.


Fourth grade math has always been my guide to drinking, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  The higher the alcohol content, the straighter the line to feeling good.  As such, I have had very little time or patience for wine, beer and coolers of any sort.  Four percent?  Pffft!  I am better off drinking cough syrup.


This finally brings me to the point of this post, wine is a drink of conspicuous consumption and gentleness.  A lady that orders her first drink of the night as a double vodka on the rocks may be right up my alley, but she probably isn't a lady either.  So I have learned to listen to what the lady orders when she orders wine and what this reveals about her subconscious and her mastery of fourth grade math.

Keep in mind, I am not looking to get a girl drunk but I have nothing against what she does for herself.  I have discovered I tend to have more fun with the "social climbers" of the wine world, the drinkers of heavy wines (alcohol content higher then 14%).  The cues are easy to spot:  Shiraz, Malbec, Barolos and Ports.  If she likes ice wine, it's a bonus round, with 25% alcohol and with a candy-like consistency, she is probably a dessert herself.  

A word about what to avoid...avoid women who only drink beverages out of a flute!  It isn't just a cliche, but women with champagne tastes also are consuming alcohol like wine cooler.  Speaking of wine coolers, avoid women over 24 and any man who drinks a wine cooler, and that goes for Mike's Hard Lemonade.  Taking a lover like that will only lead to E.D.

You do know you are being judged by your drink...

I have had this discussion on many occasions.  People judge you.  Some people judge you by your shoes, your hair, the color of your jeans and your watch.  Frankly, I think the only indicator of class is if you still own a pair of jean shorts, if you do, you need to be judged.

However, at a bar, I don't think we are aware at the judgement that is being passed with every drink order.  Most mixed drinks are sending mixed signals to those around you.  Here are a couple of things people have said to me over the years:

• "If you are ordering a Long Island Ice Tea, you have no class or imagination."
• "That pink drink makes me suspicious."
• "If you order Scotch on the rocks you are a drunk."
• "Margaritas outside of Mexican restaurants show no imagination."

I, for one, think that you should drink what you like - responsibly - and ignore what the other person is drinking.  Having said that, I have some judgments of my own to pass down.  I do think you can tell something about a woman by what she orders, more to come on that subject.  So here are my judgments:

• Bartenders:  "If you don't know who to make a drink, just say so and deliver what you do.  I ordered a mixed drink at an Irish bar and basically got a 12 ounce glass of Tequila with a lime.  It made of a good joke among friends but it was terrible."
• Ladies:  "If you keep judging me by my drinks, I am going to comment on your bad taste in perfume and shoes.  Trust me, I know a good pair of shoes because I buy good pairs of shoes...Payless...pfft!"
• Gentlemen:  "Don't be afraid to order something you like, forget your buddies.  Also, explore...if you order one more Stella I am going to tell everyone how hairy your back really is."
• All:  "Show some appreciation for a good drink, budget to tip well when you are drinking well.  It is simply a sign of class and good manners."

Cheers!

Revisit the Sidecar...

I am sure it is the masculine crush of my beefy hands that make holding any type of stemware uncomfortable, but it is unavoidable if you want to drink some of the best cocktails "up."  The martini glass is perfectly designed for presentation and keeping the beverage (a loosely used term) cool after being properly shaken cold. 


One of my favorite "up" drinks is the Sidecar.  Born in the age of Prohibition, this drink is suave and delicious.  The art of making the Sidecar I think has been lost but is making a come back, at least here in Washington. 


I recently found my favorite version of the Sidecar here in DC, at Zaytinya.  The drink is on the menu as a Greek Sidecar and it is outstanding.  As a gentleman, I never drink more then my fill of any alcoholic drink - meaning I keep track and take care to drink my limit to maintain my graceful and refined manners.  I found myself unable to resist Zaytinya's version of the Sidecar and had six in one evening - both a testament to their mixology and my lack of self-control around beautiful women and well mixed drinks. 

Do this, not That...

I feel compelled to give you some advice based on my experience, a little "do this, not that."

If you are going to visit the W Hotel in DC, which I DO NOT recommend personally, take some advice from me, don't put up with pretentious bullshit from the staff of the Hotel.  I have been there many times and I find the staff of the Hotel to be very unpleasant.  Hey, this isn't New York! 

Here are the "dos" for the W Hotel in DC.  For the view, visit POV, if you must.  Some of the most arrogant staff at the W works upstairs, so check out the view and take your party to the J&G downstairs.  The view is the street, but the service, drinks and food are much better. 

I took a group of "rollers" to the W for dinner and drinks and became totally frustrated by the Hotel staff's treatment that we left POV within 30 minutes.  By luck we ended up stopping in at the J&G in the basement bar (actually on street level) and had a great time with great food.  We our service was provided by Jean Gorges' daughter!  The J&G save the W experience.

So, DO skip POV and brush off the nasty W staff and DON'T miss J&G and the Steakhouse.