How to Judge a Girl by Her Wine...

My affinity for alcohol probably didn't follow the path of most social drinkers, I have never ordered a rail drink, drank straight from any bottle (except a beer bottle) and I have never drank anything from a box, plastic bottle, red plastic cup or a Gatorade bottle filled with vodka.  I took up drinking for the social lubrication while always trying to stay on the high road.


Fourth grade math has always been my guide to drinking, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  The higher the alcohol content, the straighter the line to feeling good.  As such, I have had very little time or patience for wine, beer and coolers of any sort.  Four percent?  Pffft!  I am better off drinking cough syrup.


This finally brings me to the point of this post, wine is a drink of conspicuous consumption and gentleness.  A lady that orders her first drink of the night as a double vodka on the rocks may be right up my alley, but she probably isn't a lady either.  So I have learned to listen to what the lady orders when she orders wine and what this reveals about her subconscious and her mastery of fourth grade math.

Keep in mind, I am not looking to get a girl drunk but I have nothing against what she does for herself.  I have discovered I tend to have more fun with the "social climbers" of the wine world, the drinkers of heavy wines (alcohol content higher then 14%).  The cues are easy to spot:  Shiraz, Malbec, Barolos and Ports.  If she likes ice wine, it's a bonus round, with 25% alcohol and with a candy-like consistency, she is probably a dessert herself.  

A word about what to avoid...avoid women who only drink beverages out of a flute!  It isn't just a cliche, but women with champagne tastes also are consuming alcohol like wine cooler.  Speaking of wine coolers, avoid women over 24 and any man who drinks a wine cooler, and that goes for Mike's Hard Lemonade.  Taking a lover like that will only lead to E.D.